oh the guilt.

I just had 3 Snickers Pods. I tried to make myself throw up. It didn't work. So now I'm sitting here letting myself feel more and more guilty by the minute.

day 3 - 5-day fast

Wtf, I am up 2lbs. Fuck this. This is why food is such a bitch. My body reacts in the most fucked up way possible. But I guess I only have myself to blame, what with the disgusting binge yesterday.

111.5lbs, disgusting much? When I look at myself in a mirror I'm starting to see something like a cross between a sumo-wrestler and a body builder. God, I wish my shoulders weren't so goddamn broad, my thighs weren't so bulky, arms weren't so huge and my waist wasn't so thick

Didn't eat anything today except for gum and a small stalk of broccoli. I felt like just devouring the entire plate of broccoli laid out at the table during school lunch.



Why do I keep falling for the same people over and over again?
Why do I feel so alone?
Why is this all too much for me to handle?

thank you, you who makes this possible.

day 2 - five-day fast

Today fell flat on its face. Had to eat and eat I did, but it was just too damn much?! I am currently skipping dinner though, on the pretext of being full. I am being repulsed by certain people I know/used to know. They make me not want to be like them. They make me nauseous. They make me worry if I will ever be like that.

I didn't go to school today. I just felt so sulky the the entire thing that my mom made a u-turn on the way there. She makes me love her like that. So far, the only reason I really like school is because it lets me not eat in peace. Anyway, the new batch of girl students are all relatively average-sized. Have not seen and worth inciting a certain spite/envy due to her skinny-minnieness yet. Hopefully, I will be that girl sometime soon. That will definitely be something to look forward to. (;

day 1 - five-day fast

Today was a pretty good day, did not think about food much. I think it boils down to the fact that I was busy and constantly on the move, talking to people and playing games. I got so mad at myself for having some gum though, because a fast is a fast. I have decided to weigh myself only on Friday.

Today one of my seniors served up some spiteful words that made me even more determined. He had that edge to his voice when I told him I wear XS school shirts and gave me a quick once over. I don't blame him though, I look fat in all my school clothes.

bloat me up, bring me down.

Like a lazy dormant boa constrictor threatening to choke me to death.
Like a knife, twisting.
Like a huge balloon that won't stop inflating.
Like a ball of rolled-up guilt that tells me I'm a failure.

This is essentially what being full feels like to me nowadays. It gives me insomnia and such intense back pains. I want it to stop.




Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
- Sylvia Plath

prolegomenon.

Because pictures speak a thousand sharp, whispery words.
(none of these pictures are mine. if they are yours, thank you so much. they are beautiful.)